Ladies and gentlemen, I have the cure to the great depression step right up

 Written -September 18,2011

 

Now that I have your attention I can tell you I am one hell of a liar

 

but if you read through my depression I swear you will see my joy and p.s. my fingers are not crossed

 

So here it goes

 

I had an affirmation I was alive today and it held my breath as I raced home….

 

Because the night before thoughts cycled as I looked at my reflection

And I looked at her

She is me and not me

Not again

Please not again

I reason with her

But there is no

Reasoning

No please

No, I will give you this and yes that

If you just spare me

The depression never plays fair

because it wants

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE.

 

I try not to think of that look I just saw in the mirror

But

I still see it even with

my eyes shut

but still, I beg and bargain

I beg tears not to fall

 

And breathe in weighted and say over in my mind

 

Don’t cry tonight

Be strong

Don’t buckle at the knees

I repeat this and a million more

Things

And I know they don’t sound like prayers

But everything is a plea as soon as that

“Look” comes back

 

I gaze out the window and fiddle with my hands

 

And think of all days I feel so desperate but

I can’t say any of this

Because I am all

Better?

 

So I drink the rest of my tea and say

“don’t cry tonight”

Don’t cry, baby

Just lie down

And find your

Still

I take my pills drift off

Ask many why me questions

As I

Wind

Down

Like

A music box doll…

 

It is not easy this disease

(Fucking God damn Understatement of the century)

And if anyone knew how hard the battle was maybe they would take it easier on you

Maybe the lady in the market wouldn’t act so snide when you forget to say hello at the cash

Because all day you had to keep away thoughts from killing yourself

And the meds are so hard they make you sick and spaced out

And loved ones would understand why you don’t want to go out for days

Weeks

months

And stay by your side…

Or just bring coffee and say hello

How are you

(Now that isn’t so fucking hard is it)

Because so many of us die from this illness

ALONE.

And

just because (for the most part) the wounds do not show

Know this

the insides are a bloody pulp

(mostly the heart)

 

But there are no answers and I know this

And my nails are chewed down as far as they can go

And my mouth is scared from biting the insides of

Cheeks so I don’t say things I will regret

(Oh too late for that)

And my brain

well now

on x-rays

it is perfect of course

(sarcastic smile)

But what the x-rays don’t  show

Is how

I keep reeling in terms of yesterday if I only had

Yesterday back

But yesterday is so far away

The time when I used to believe in magic

Running fast

And laughing hard

 

 

It is getting cold

I almost saw my breath

Or is that the ghost of my remains escaping

Whatever it was I caught it

Because I fight every day to not fall apart

 

Want to know the cure

there isn’t one but today…

 

 

I walked home missing a few steps

As light as air

(How is this possible?)

That just for a moment the veil of melancholy was lifted

To let me know I was capable of being whole…

And I raced home more rapidly so as not to forget and write down I just had an affirmation I was

Still

ALIVE

To read on the days the sadness comes back

Alive to see the grass that wavered but didn’t fall in the cool end of summer wind

Alive in the way the sun blinded me

and as I closed my eyes for a moment

Yes

It was in fact still lighting me up

It was there in the leaves that the rays passed through and turned them into stained glass

These

all my affirmations of life

And that even though I was alone….

I felt surrounded by a million beautiful things

 

(See I told you so I am not always so depressing)

 

And now I have the answer to one why me question…

 

So I can give

Another

Hope

If nothing else

That I will smile at you in the market or anywhere else when I see you are having

Those days

Months

Years

Because I know who you are the minute I see your eyes

Because you are my reflection and I yours

That I will keep

Fighting

And I hope this

For you too….

 

And we might never find a cure but I hope for you moments of happiness

I hope for you

With my eyes towards the sun

 

 

 

(Photograph and words copyright April Mansilla)

 

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