Written -September 18,2011
but if you read through my depression, I swear you will see my joy and p.S. my fingers are not crossed
So here it goes
I had an affirmation I was alive today, and held my breath as I raced home….
Because the night before thoughts cycled as I looked at my reflection
And I looked at her
She is me and not me
Please not again
I reason with her
But there is no
No, I will give you this and yes that
If you just spare me
The depression never plays fair
because it wants
EVERYTHING YOU HAVE.
I try not to think of that look I just saw in the mirror
I still see it even with
my eyes shut
but still, I beg and bargain
I beg tears not to fall.
And breathe in weighted and say over in my mind
Don’t cry tonight
Don’t buckle at the knees
I repeat this and a million more
And I know they don’t sound like prayers
But everything is a plea as soon as that
“Look” comes back
I gaze out the window and fiddle with my hands.
And think of all days I feel so desperate but
I can’t say any of this.
Because I am all
So I drink the rest of my tea and say
“Don’t cry tonight. ”
Don’t cry, baby
Just lie down
And find your
I take my pills drift off
Ask many why me questions
A music box doll…
It is not easy this disease.
(Fucking God damn Understatement of the century)
And if anyone knew how hard the battle was maybe they would take it easier on you
Maybe the lady in the market wouldn’t act so snide when you forget to say hello at the cash
Because all day you had to keep away thoughts from killing yourself.
And the meds are so hard they make you sick and spaced out
And loved ones would understand why you don’t want to go out for days.
And stay by your side…
Or just bring coffee and say hello.
How are you
(Now that isn’t so fucking hard is it.)
Because so many of us die from this illness
just because (for the most part) the wounds do not show
the insides are a bloody pulp
(mostly the heart)
But there are no answers and I know this
And my nails chewed down as far as they can go
And my mouth scared from biting the insides of
Cheeks so I don’t say things I will regret
(Oh too late for that)
And my brain
it is perfect, of course
But what the x-rays don’t show
I keep reeling in terms of yesterday if I only had
But yesterday is so far away.
The time when I used to believe in magic
And laughing hard
It is getting cold
I almost saw my breath
Or is that the ghost of my remains escaping?
Whatever it was I caught it
Because I fight every day to not fall apart
Want to know the cure
there isn’t one but today…
I walked home missing a few steps.
As light as air
(How is this possible?)
That just for a moment the veil of melancholy lifted
To let me know I could be whole…
And I raced home more rapidly so as not to forget and write down I just had an affirmation I was
To read on the days, the sadness comes back.
Alive to see the grass that wavered but didn’t fall in the cool end of summer wind
Alive in the way the sun blinded me
and as I closed my eyes for a moment
It was in fact still lighting me up.
It was there in the leaves that the rays passed through and turned them into stained glass.
all my affirmations of life
And that even though I was alone….
I felt surrounded by a million beautiful things.
(See I told you so I am not always so depressing.)
And now I have the answer to one why me question…
So I can give
If nothing else
That I will smile at you in the market or anywhere else when I see you are having
Because I know who you are the minute, I see your eyes
Because you are my reflection and I yours
That I will keep
And I hope this
For you too….
And we might never find a cure, but I hope for you moments of happiness.
I hope for you.
With my eyes towards the sun
(Photograph and words copyright April Mansilla)