When Time Stands Still
I am 16 again, feeling the warm air embrace my skin. The sunlight illuminates my surroundings. I have Pachelbel cannon playing on my cassette player in the front of my bicycle basket. I feel free. Effervescent free…….
As I sit here my eyes water like the puddles I used to ride through as I listen to those very notes from a song I could not listen to without feeling guilt, shame and defeat. So I kept that song away from me.
In the years following, they gave me the title Bipolar, a title that changed my life. Although not used anymore, I prefer manic depression. Why? Because it seems more honest.
Over the years I have believed so many delusional things. I have walked the tightrope of mania wearing the perfect shade of red lipstick, laughing with a wide smile, late nights, wild thoughts, and finally self-destruction. I then fell … crashed off the wire into depression, wanting nothing more than death. I loathed myself, what I had done during the high-wire act; I loathed my reflection, and I tried to stay away from it. I lived in and out of cages, either my own or the hospitals to keep me safe. I felt lost, detached from myself and the ones I love.
Was it my choice to be manic or depressed?
But is it my choice now to control it now that I know the signs?
I also say I am not bipolar, I have it. The tile I took away because I am more than that.
As the high notes of the melody plays in cannon, I feel the pull of freedom and hope the days I can’t keep my head up and days I feel my fate is to end my life are over.Please be over.
I have amazing titles now, a mother, a grandmother, a wife. Titles I hold dear because of those that gave them to me. I never thought I would be any of those. They never once took titles away from me; they never once held the disease of manic depression against me. My fight /flight was as much theirs.
I also have the title of an artist ….something I never asked for but will wear that proudly.
With humility, I will wear those beautiful titles until I leave this earth.
Photo at age 16 by my sister Julie