When Time Stands Still

2015.

When Time Stands Still

I am 16 again, feeling the warm air embrace my skin. The sunlight illuminates my surroundings. I have Pachelbel cannon playing on my cassette player in the front of my bicycle basket. I feel free. Effervescent free…….

As I sit here my eyes water like the puddles I used to ride through as I listen to those very notes from a song I could not listen to without feeling guilt, shame and defeat. So I kept that song away from me.

Until now.

In the years following, they gave me the title Bipolar, a title that changed my life. Although not used anymore, I prefer manic depression. Why? Because it seems more honest.

Over the years I have believed so many delusional things. I have walked the tightrope of mania wearing the perfect shade of red lipstick, laughing with a wide smile, late nights, wild thoughts, and finally self-destruction. I then fell … crashed off the wire into depression, wanting nothing more than death. I loathed myself, what I had done during the high-wire act; I loathed my reflection, and I tried to stay away from it. I lived in and out of cages, either my own or the hospitals to keep me safe. I felt lost, detached from myself and the ones I love.

Was it my choice to be manic or depressed?

No.

But is it my choice now to control it now that I know the signs?

Yes.

I also say I am not bipolar, I have it. The tile I took away because I am more than that.

As the high notes of the melody plays in cannon, I feel the pull of freedom and hope the days I can’t keep my head up and days I feel my fate is to end my life are over.Please be over.

I have amazing titles now, a mother, a grandmother, a wife. Titles I hold dear because of those that gave them to me. I never thought I would be any of those. They never once took titles away from me; they never once held the disease of manic depression against me. My fight /flight was as much theirs.

I also have the title of an artist ….something I never asked for but will wear that proudly.

With humility, I will wear those beautiful titles until I leave this earth.

 

Photo at age 16 by my sister Julie

 

2 thoughts on “When Time Stands Still

  1. Wonderfully written, and yes you are more than all of those things albeit the sum of all its parts. The dark and the light. So a toast to good health and happiness my friend, especially this time of year.. surround yourself with family love and festivity but also art. The healing power of art. Merry Christmas (well almost:) – Leith

    Like

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