One Step At A Time

Oh, my dear ones,

When you look down

Find something to look at

Even when raindrops form in your eyes and make puddles

Splash in them triumphantly because you are alive!

Oh, I know your battles

I look down too

Some days I can’t bare to look the world in the eyes

Today I look down

to the kind shoes I had as a teen

When illness had not reached my bones

And I smile

Stick, stones and names didn’t break me

I didn’t break me….

And I look up

Willing, able to fight for my life

Because I belong here

As do you

Oh, my dear warriors

Even when you look down know you are on the battle ground

Pushing forward

Conquering your battles one step at a time

 

As She Dreams

Written in 2008

And I will be the one to steal the nightmares away
As you dream
I will ravenously ….glutinously eat at all the spoiled memories and chaos
Remembered and forgotten
I will eat with the appetite of a million hungry men
Until my stomach
And Heart aches
Like your has all these years
As you dream love
And I will kiss you
No not like the others
I will place my mouth over yours
And breathe in the ugly heaviness
Your lunatic laugh
Your screams of agony
Mercy !Mercy!Please!
They are all now mine to own
Because I adore you …and want you to dream
I will lay with you in my arms you as quiet as whisper
I as your shadow
I will take your bed of destitute and destruction
Filling my veins with your plague
Keeping me awake
Keeping me only half alive and half sane
Just for you.
To dream of what I always believed you were

.
And I now own the thoughts of suicide
The padded walls covered in piss and cum
The fear of breaking
Of falling
The fear…. always fear in your eyes
Shhhhhhh now baby
We won’t ever speak of this
It is mine
You sleep with dreams love
And when you ask me
Why I never sleep
Why I am so distance
It is because
I hold this for you
This secret
That I can’t ever let you have back
We know what it did to you
I can’t see you like that anymore
I am not that cruel
That I love you so much that I would own your hate
More so than your love
So you can always dream
As I lay awake knowing
I gave you the peace you always needed
But could never ask for.

Warning High Voltage

I flick the light on and still my eyes onto a singular object to awaken the blur of my dreams .I grab my ragged, paint embellished sweater, fold it around my perpetually cold body and turn the light off making my way through the dark, carefully holding on. Arriving at the kitchen I wait impatiently for the drip-drop of a temporary jolt; two coffees as strong as I hope to be one day.

The light.

The dark.

Are equal places of loss in my mind.

As of now I function within the grey, with a splash of colour from time to time. This is a place to heal, until I can reach the centre “ish” .I am comfortable here, but not content, so I continue on with baby steps towards wellness, still holding the frustration that my illness is invisible to many, but concretely real to myself and those that are within my walls.

 

A flash of blinding light strikes, once a week, maybe less depending on the situation, person, conversation, where I strain to focus.

“Do you remember?” is often a statement attached to joy, smiles and conversation but for me, there is always a pause before the words and sentiments. I watch memories soar out of mouths and go south in grey skies .I can almost reach them ….almost.

My Loves, acquaintances, strangers met briefly are my memory keepers.

And when “do you remember? “rises from words and falls into my chest ,my panic rises ,grasps at my throat then and simmers into sorrow for a brief flicker of dark, because that is all I can allow to seep in .

Others hold what I have lost. This is one part of healing I haven’t been able to let go of, so I tuck it away for another day and move on .If not, I would be certain to slip into the dark, vast waters of depression and I can’t afford to let go , again….

The reason is simple

Because I love some brilliant, amazing and beautiful people.

So tightly I embrace the new memories I am making with them.

The reason for my loss of memory is ECT, the eloquent name for Shock Therapy (and maybe a dash of some other things I’ll go into later). A little over a year ago, sixteen treatments all while my much, much better half stayed in the room while it was performed.

He, my most valuable memory keeper and secret keeper.

Him, the one there as I went under, in more ways than one, even before the voltage.

Yesterday  I went under…in a good way ,rising-up and slicking my wild hair back .Typically I keep my eyes forward and swim ,trying not to make eye contact or human connection with anyone ,but today, In a city of approx 747,545 give or take a few, I lucked out and got an entire pool to myself. I flipped onto my back and stared at the ceiling, white, institutional. I felt weightlessness as I imagined the ceiling to be a Prussian blue night bursting with stars. The weighted thoughts disappeared into the chemical water, and I imagined them getting all sucked into the filter. I felt a flicker of peace; freedom.

And no one holds this memory but me

As I walk out of the pool, the heaviness set in from the chemicals that stabilize me. But quickly, I reminded myself I must be grateful I am alive because of those substances and the people that held me together.

 

I’m here to regain a life I never thought I would make it through.

 

I have been given another chance.

 

So here, in my own words is my truth of breaking down and getting back up.